Futon Adventures: Part one

"Congratulations! You've just purchased a fine piece of furniture!"
    That's what the instruction manual, or should I say acceptance letter, said when I first opened my brand new perfectly proportioned black futon. I had been waiting for months to first order it, and then weeks to have it delivered. It was going to be the big piece that tied together my barely there living room. Determined to put it together by myself, I began working. Though there were some tears in the beginning when step two of the manual said "attach the back" but didn't say how or where, the rest of the procedure wasn't too bad.
    The final step of the procedure (and I call it "procedure" due to the amount of sweat pouring from my forehead in my non-central air-conditioned apartment; it felt like I was performing surgery on one unlucky piece of furniture) was to attach the legs.
    The legs, which were some sort of plastic or fake metal, came with attached screws that were supposed to be screwed in by hand (or so I once thought) to the bottom of the futon. After what seemed like hours, the legs wouldn't go in any tighter and I decided to stand up the futon. That was an experience within itself. I am not strong enough to pick up the entire futon by myself, so I had to tilt it slightly in order to push it over. The slight tilting bent all the legs, and the screws attached to the legs, all sorts of different directions.
    Once the futon was "standing," I re-tightened and tried to straighten all the legs, only to have them still wobbly and bent.
    Feeling extremely exhausted (it had been more than two hours at this point since the beginning of surgery), I decided the bent legs made the futon completely worthless. Every time the futon moved even the slightest distance, the legs would bend and I would have to re-bend them to get them to sit on the floor at a straight angle, which none of them did.
    Feeling discouraged, I removed all the legs and decided on settling for a "floor futon" in an attempt to start a trend.
    I laid down for a while and then, for some ridiculous reason, got the urge to try again.
    So, repeating the arduous procedure, I re-attached and screwed on all the legs. Even screwed on tighter than before, the legs still bent as I ever-so-carefully moved the futon into "standing" position. After it was in "standing" position, I re-straightened the legs as straight as they would go.
    Sitting on the couch perfectly still was fine, but as soon as I shifted my body weight, the legs bent backwards and in all different directions. So I thought to myself, "It looks pretty, but what's the point of having a couch if you can't sit on it?" Guests would be extremely uncomfortable not moving, and I would be extremely uncomfortable with my guests on my couch, knowing that the slightest movement could have them, drinks in hand, toppling to the ground, never to return to my apartment again.
— Marjorie
••••
What did Marjorie do with her new, but broken, futon? Check back for her next blog entry. The adventure continues....